Wobble Day [wob_uhl-dey]
A day where you feel deeply unsteady in the midst of quarantine. Resulting in a refusal to leave your duvet, shocking sadness, anxiety, anger, and full-blown conversations with kitchen appliances.
e.g. On day 46 of lockdown, Jane stood on her balcony and sang the entirety of Don’t Cry For Me Argentina, whilst eating a doughnut. She was having a wobble day.
Hello. Hi. This is where we’d usually write some funny remark comparing a burger to a double-decker bus with the meat sweats. Or something. But you know what, we’re having a wobble day too. So all we’ve got in us is, burgers are nice. Eat a burger. Order from Meatliquor, and you can have some London’s best mac and cheese whilst you’re at it. They’re delivering from several of their branches across London and you can check your postcode here.
What’s that? You know, that weird feeling? Is it hunger? Is it wind? Oh wait, no. Don’t worry. It’s just existential dread and the knowledge that what may have been the greatest summer of your life has gone down the toilet. But, for the sake of sanity, why don’t you just call it hunger and splurge on one of the best takeaways around from Bao. It’s London’s best known Taiwanese restaurant and you can get it for delivery or pick up all over. The menu differs depending on location, but their fried chicken and peanut soft serve are mainstays.
You miss your friends. Like, physically miss them. Even that one that was always 40 minutes late because, apparently, a Tube rat assaulted them or something. But you know who else is your friend? Doughnuts. More specifically the 12-piece classic selection box from Crosstown Doughnuts. They’re delivering across London if you pre-order, and we’ve got our eye on the six-piece doughnut set that comes with a box of wine from St. John. Be a gem and send a selection to those friends you miss too.
Sorry, but do the words ‘gooey cheese-filled bread’ do anything for you? It worked, didn’t it. What was a diabolical headspace has become a slightly less, khachapuri-filled, diabolical headspace. We’re familiar with the feeling, and that’s why Little Georgia is also near the top of the list when we’re looking for a delicious cheesy and carby lift. The Georgian spot is delivering from its Hackney location and we’d recommend getting some blinis too.
You’re outraged. Disgusted. Utterly livid. You just saw a pigeon frolic (FROLIC!) on the pavement with a bunch of other pigeons. No social distancing for you. Way to rub it in. Hope you had a nice time, you feathery shit. Yes, there comes a point in every person’s quarantine when you realise how depressing it is that you’re jealous of a pigeon because it’s still allowed to see its mates. But most pigeons we know don’t have access to exceptional dim sum and guess what, if you live around Queensway or Marylebone, you do. Royal China, home to some of our favourite peking duck and cheung fun, are delivering all of their signature dishes.
Nope. Negative. It is not happening. You know that today is, for the most part, going to be a horizontal scrolling day. Dog memes, emotional overinvestment into Twitter spats, Mark and Jez - the lot. You should know that there’s absolutely no shame in that. Nor is there any shame in combining this attitude with a cheese-covered, caramelised onion-topped, juicy number from Patty & Bun, made by your own fair hands. Because if you’re going to achieve anything today, you may as well make it delicious and burger-shaped.
Your milk goes off today. You have taken that as a clear and definitive sign that you should text your ex. Why? Lockdown. Things stopped making sense the ugly side of March. Rather than relying on the expiry dates of inanimate dairy products to decide your mood, order in what is effectively a hug, in the form of La Mia Mamma’s survival kit. You’ve got plenty of options to choose from, including a £35 ‘Mamma’s Classics’ three-course meal kit, to their huge Italian survival kit that could feed a whole army of exes. And no, you’re not going to message them.
The birds are singing, the sun is shining, but when you stare out the window all you see is Mordor. Maybe you shouldn’t have listened to The Wicker Man soundtrack in bed last night. Whatever. There’s nothing warm flatbread, babaganush, calamari, and a kebab can’t sort out. Seriously. If you’re not feeling that great, then Gökyüzü is the way to go. The juicy charcoal grilled kofte, or aubergine, with salad-y meze bits on the side never fails to cheer us up. It’s hearty, healthy, and always a huge shout.
What a year, 2020. What a bloody year. It can only get better. Or more to the point, only you can make it better by getting some Padella into your home. London’s most A-list handmade pasta restaurant has started delivering at-home pasta kits of their famous pappardelle beef shin ragu and also their tomato tagliarini. Yes you need to pre-plan a little, but it’s a savvy move to have not just any pasta, but the pasta, ready for when you need a pick-me-up.
You, in your bedroom at 2pm, singing along to the A Star Is Born soundtrack. Again: ′Crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us, we’re far from each other now, in the quara-quara-quarantine, in the quara-quara-quarantine’. Okay, for the sake of your own self-esteem and your neighbour’s sanity, fill your mouth with the kind of bao that’ll give you the strength to put that microphone (hairbrush) down. The shiitake mushroom bao from all-round sweetheart-of-a-restaurant Mr Bao is our favourite in London, and you should definitely get involved in their fried chicken and dumplings. They’re delivering from Peckham.
Yard Sale has fast become one of north London’s (and our own) most reliable friends thanks to their enormous 18-inch pizzas with the chewy centres and crusty crusts. That isn’t the greatest description of all time, but you know what, we’re allowed to have off days too. The point is that one of these satellite dish-sized bad boys - either covered parmesan and tenderstem broccoli, or juicy Italian sausage - will see you through an off day, onto an on day.
Remember your week one wobble days that involved a tub of ice cream and binging Tiger King. Sweet memories. Now they involve manically ‘walking’ Soho on Street View and wondering whether licking a plug socket could be kind of fun. Step away from the electricity. Seriously, step away. It’s time to distract yourself with a hit of fresh, handmade pasta. And antipasti. And Aperol. Lina Stores are delivering all of the above, as well as bread, desserts, and homemade sauces. Plus, prepping their pappardelle bolognese will come as a welcome distraction.
Sure, you could confront your feelings and the general sensation that the world is falling apart one trip to Durham at a time. Or, you could completely avoid everything that’s happening outside your window and eat oysters instead. The haters (our therapists) might call this dissociation. We call it dinner time. Hit up The Oystermen for whole steamed native lobster, whole cooked Dorset crab, wine, and of course, oysters. Heads up, they’re delivering across London.
Sometimes, despite all your instincts and lack of personal hygiene, you have to be proactive. Yes, you could stay under your duvet all day, nibbling chocolate digestives, and gently weeping as Jeff Buckley soundtracks Marissa from The OC’s final moments. Or, you could get some fresh air. Stick some headphones in. And head central for a change of scene. Towards Circolo Popolare for an order of prosciutto, pizza, and - oh yes - that towering lemon meringue pie. Funk, sorted.