NYCReview
photo credit: Noah Devereaux
Keens Steakhouse
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Keens is a place where you can learn about the past, see rare artifacts, and get annoyed with parents for allowing their kids to watch YouTube in the middle of it all. So, even though it bills itself as a steakhouse, it’s really more like a museum. This Midtown spot has been around since 1885, and it fully embraces its history and lore, but not at the expense of the main attraction—the meat on your plate.
Just as you won’t find the T-Rex hanging out by the vending machines in the Museum of Natural History, you’ll have to work your way to the meat at Keens. Wherever your table is in the two-floor dining room, you’ll be surrounded by countless antiques, like grandfather clocks, old guns, or a playbill that Abraham Lincoln was allegedly holding when he was shot. Take a second to scope out the ceiling, which is covered in 45,000 smoking pipes that belonged to former members of Keens’ Pipe Club, like Teddy Roosevelt, Babe Ruth, JP Morgan, Buffalo Bill Cody, and Albert Einstein. It’s almost impossible not to picture Babe in pinstripes and cleats ordering another round of whiskey and requesting his pipe.
photo credit: Keens Steakhouse
As you take in all the relics, a bow-tied server will come over and explain the different cuts of meat like a tour guide in the Denon Wing at The Louvre. Whichever ones you go with, don’t forget to order some appetizers and sides as well. The hash browns are like a salty, charred shell surrounding creamy mashed potatoes. There are massive slabs of smoky bacon, and the creamed spinach will make you want to apologize to your doctor before your next visit, in a good way.
Then comes the meat. You may be tempted by the comically large king’s cut, a 32-ounce prime rib straight out of a Ron Swanson fever dream, but you should focus your attention on the porterhouse and the mutton chop. The porterhouse isn’t drenched in butter like the one at Peter Luger—a Brooklyn institution that opened two years after Keens—so the funk from the dry-aging is front and center. We’d confidently put the sirloin portion of the Keens’ porterhouse into the ring with Luger’s filet in what would be the meatiest fight since Rocky and Ivan Drago. The porterhouse “for two” can and should be shared by four, but Keens’ Mona Lisa is the mutton chop. It’s a two-pound cut of relatively old lamb that was a popular dish until modern breeding techniques phased it out. Keens is the only place in New York City still serving it, and it seems only fitting to enjoy this lost joy of a previous era in a room covered in grandfather clocks and smoking pipes.
photo credit: Noah Devereaux
After soaking up the last of the steak juice with house bread, you’ll be saturated with history and cholesterol, but you can’t call it a night quite yet. Share the ice cream sundae that has a thick layer of melted fudge at the bottom. And, after you pay, escape the tourists taking pictures all over the dining room by heading to the casual bar room for a digestive aid in the form of a strong drink. Tourists are to be expected in museums, and at least at this one, you can take a sip of a classic martini whenever you feel the urge to yell at some kid watching YouTube.
Food Rundown
Caesar Salad
photo credit: Noah Devereaux
Thick-Cut Smoked Bacon
Shrimp Cocktail
photo credit: Noah Devereaux
Side Dishes
photo credit: Noah Devereaux
Prime Rib Of Beef, King’s Cut
photo credit: Noah Devereaux
Prime Porterhouse
photo credit: Noah Devereaux
Mutton Chop
photo credit: Noah Devereaux