Nobody plans for a hangover, just like nobody plans for a terrible sunburn. Either way, you were just a little reckless and now it feels like your body is on fire and even the slightest movement will make you scream. But instead of a bucket of aloe, you need fried things, bacon and eggs, and possibly a sandwich the size of a sea turtle. Hopefully, the food at these 14 spots will both distract you from that pain and give you a reason to open your eyes.
Provided you can remember to set an alarm and actually wake up in time to place an order before they sell out, El Bagel is a perfect hangover breakfast. El Bagel’s sandwiches (there are seven total) are all outstanding, which is why this place usually sells out by the early afternoon. Any of them are going to make you start to feel like a human again, but our personal favorite is the EB Original, which has scallion cream cheese, roasted jalapeños, and bacon. It’s salty, spicy, and might just make you forget about that bottle of champagne you chugged nine hours ago.
Josh’s Deli has many qualities we seek out when a hangover has us feeling like a cruise ship ran over our forehead: bagels, dim lighting, a low noise level, and cocktails that are there if you need them. Any sandwich at this Surfside spot is going to help inflate your spirit like an air mattress, but their pastrami sandwich is so good that it might just have you making eye-contact with strangers by 3pm.
There are two roads to take with a hangover - one leads to something greasy, but the other option is something just a little healthier. For that, go to Athens Juice Bar in North Beach, home of the best fruit salad in Florida. They serve other things like smoothies and acai bowls, but the fruit salad, which is covered with sweet fruit pulp, is going to feel like dipping your head into a bathtub full of cold bananas and watermelon.
There’s actually quite an interesting story behind Royal Castle, the Miami-born chain that once had over 100 locations across the South. But it’s possible that your brain is currently melting, so we’ll get to the point. This 24/7 restaurant in Gladeview serves all-day breakfast and - what you really want in this situation - amazing slider “six-packs.” The mini-burgers have soft buns, thin patties, diced onions, a pickle, melted American cheese, and are six very good reasons to get out of your bed and leave the house.
Edgewater’s Sabor a Perú is a great Peruvian spot, and they serve a whole bunch of things that should help fight off the evil troupe of microscopic Rockettes currently dancing on your frontal lobe - like crispy jalea, chaufa de pollo (chicken fried rice), and cheesy potatoes. But nothing does the trick for us like their lomo saltado. It’s a huge plate of sliced steak, white rice, and french fries that’s going to wrap its warm, salty arms around you and tell you that everything is going to be OK.
If any Miami food could be categorized as a medical device, it’s the Cuban sandwich. Wave it under an unconscious person’s nose to wake them up, slip it underneath someone’s head to brace their neck, or consume one whole if you and your friends decided to take eight shots from the cheapest bottle of tequila they sold at Total Wine. The Cubano at this Little Havana sandwich shop is so good, you’ll forget about all eight of those shots for at least ten minutes while you marvel at how perfect every bite of this thing is. Grab a cafecito on the way out and go top-shelf next time.
When we’re hungover, all we really want is bread, eggs, and someone to refill our coffee after every five sips. That’s exactly what you’ll get at this classic MiMo diner. Jimmy’s is simple in a good way, with leather booths you’ll sink into and diner staples like eggs, sausage, pancakes, a patty melt, and a lot more you can eat when you’re not whispering “What have I done?” to your coffee.
There has to be something on this Hialeah deli’s menu that sounds good even if you consumed an entire bottle of champagne nine hours ago. Are you a breakfast person? Things like the bagel and lox and fried chicken and waffles are served all day. Need something bigger? Get any sandwich that includes pastrami (the Rachel is the best) or one of the very good burgers, since this place is from the team behind Kush. A whiskey egg cream doesn’t sound like a bad idea either, huh?
Looking at the display case full of incredible baked things at Zak the Baker feels like walking into a hospital and being greeted by a friendly but reassuring staff of medical professionals. Everything you see before you - the babka, the challah, the bagels - are going to do their best to get you back in fighting shape. Do future you a favor and just order them all. A quick warning though: Zak isn’t open on Saturdays, so plan accordingly.
If a fresh passion fruit juice and an arepa from Doggi’s in MiMo don’t start to make you feel a tiny bit like a person again, you may just want to go back to bed and try again tomorrow. We have yet to meet a hangover that couldn’t be at least lightened by this duo, especially if we’re ordering the arepa santa bárbara, which is an overstuffed pocket of churrasco, tomato, avocado, and cheese. You’re also going to need about 70% of the excellent sauce found inside the squeeze bottles on the table.
It doesn’t matter when you eventually make it out of bed - brunch, lunch, or dinner - Blue Collar will be waiting for you with a menu that will remind you of simpler times, times when you didn’t feel like a punching bag in a gym full of the best heavyweight boxers in the world. Their cheeseburger, spicy braised meats, and shrimp and grits are all ideal for days like this - and they’re available all-day - so feel free to hit that snooze button like Mike Tyson.
Think of the classic frita and a batido as Batman and Robin, and your hangover is one of the many villains they fight. Or just think of them as a very good sandwich and a creamy Cuban milkshake. Or just don’t think at all, and come to this Little Havana diner and order them. You might need two.
Just like how J.G. Wentworth feels about his money, you need coffee and you need it now. Hopefully, you’re close to one of Panther’s six locations, where you can find a gasoline-strong cold brew that’ll have you feeling like Uma Thurman from that one scene in Pulp Fiction with the needle. They also have pastries (the almond croissant is awesome) and some other light bites.