It happens. You meet someone on Tinder, or finally agree to go out with your colleague’s mate, and everything is going well for a while, until you slowly (or quickly) realize this person isn’t who you want to spend your life with, and it’s time to conduct your relationship exit interview. If you’re thinking this should maybe all transpire in a restaurant (they’re good neutral places, plus you get to eat dinner), we’re here for you. Here are 10 restaurants you could feasibly break up with someone in.
Their online profile said that they had a ‘good sense of humour’, but they’re actually a banter tampon. Time to part ways with them over breakfast at the most entertaining restaurant in town, E. Pellicci. As you both settle into one of the best fry-ups in London and they lap up the high energy atmosphere, you can answer with the utmost honesty when the owner Nevio asks, ‘Are you two together?’. ‘Na, this is our break-up breakfast’. Yes, everyone will laugh - but hopefully your newly minted ex will realise you’re not joking.
You swiped right because they said they were a ‘sapiosexual’ on their online profile, but after a couple of dates, you realise that they are as thick as horse sh*t. Canova Hall is where to have a frank conversation about why they can no longer totally depend on your intelligence for their basic human survival. The drinks are strong, and the simple pizza and pasta menu hopefully won’t confuse your date before you explain in layman’s terms why you shouldn’t be together. Just don’t use the word layman in your conversation, they may think it’s a new word for sexytimes.
In a city of 8.788 million people, you’ve managed to end up with a right numpty. Between the constant lateness, the fake Rolex, and believing that the world is ‘most likely’ flat, you need a spot to get them out of your life - sharpish. The Ned makes for perfect break up location because there are many options for a pretty average meal (try Malibu Kitchen for something that’s not totally terrible) - and your new ex friend will be so dazzled by the scenery and the scene, that they won’t bat an eyelid when you excuse yourself to the bathroom and head straight out the door.
The Rail House Cafe is a fine place to extract someone from your life - it’s an any-occasion restaurant that is central and comfortable for any awkward encounters. The food is good, yet won’t leave too many lasting memories. And its location in Victoria leaves you various escape routes after you drop the bombshell that you can’t see them anymore because they use too many emojis in their text messages. Make sure you’re nice enough to pay for the cheesecake that you just ordered to share - you don’t want to come across as a complete and utter dick.
So you never actually went on a proper dinner out with this person. Now’s probably not the time to start. Take them Nando’s Lime Street. It’s dark and small so no one will see them cry into their chicken platter as you break the devastating news that you will no longer require their services as an extra in your love life. Added bonus is that you can always blame the hot sauce for the tears.
You’ve been dating a terribly nice person, but there’s just no twinkle between you. Well, from your point of view anyway. Aquavit is a lovely restaurant to break up with a very nice person. It serves very nice meatballs and some other lovely Nordic classics that keep everyone who goes there happy. After lovely conversation and the pleasant parting of ways, you can finally admit that you can never ever see yourself with someone who lives with 15 cats - no matter how bloody nice they are.
Every time your date comes to your yard, they break out in a rash. You realise that it’s not you - they’re allergic to your dog. But they’re so deeply into you that they won’t even mention it. Time to apply the ointment of separation at Bad Sports. Over some tacos and a beer you and your dog (yes they are dog-friendly) can have an honest and frank discussion about how you don’t appreciate liars with peeling skin. And no, they’re not crying - it’s just their bloody allergies. Apparently.
You suspect that your future ex-love is possibly a serial killer and definitely a vegan. We don’t know what to tell you about the first part, but if you want to be nice anyway and keep things animal byproduct-free, bring them to Wulf & Lamb. Break the news as they’re tucking into their vegan mac and cheese - which happens to be surprisingly good. And then don’t come back for a while, unless you date another vegan.
If you are looking for a classy, intimate, but not too expensive restaurant for a breakup dinner, try Taka in Mayfair. The sushi is excellent, as are the sides. They will even cater to your ex’s gluten allergy, as you break the news to them that you can’t see a future with someone who squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.
You’re not proud of your actions, but you ghosted a poor unsuspecting soul a few weeks back because you couldn’t be bothered to be an adult, and now they’re demanding a grown-up face to face. Giant Robot is an easy neutral location, with great food options and most importantly a big crowd. Because they’re not going to react well when you let them know that you’ve just started dating their best mate.