The Houston Summer 25

The spectrum of micheladas at La Cruderia ranges from tame to La Toxica. Have a standard michi with lime in a terracotta cup or a 32oz caguama of beer in a quart container piled with mounds of shrimp. There are michis topped with pickled pork skin, spicy peanuts, and/or mango lollipops. Have one (or a few) alongside neon green aguachile and a torta with cochinita pibil. - Chelsea Thomas

Dive bars provide Americans with many necessary services, one of which is literally just being a dark hole you can linger inside of until the sun has stopped torturing the outside world. Also, ice cold beer. Squeeze into Two Headed Dog, a semi-sun-sheltered dive bar for great cocktails, a killer Happy Hour, and a high-quality photo booth. - Chelsea Thomas

Perhaps the folks at Craft Creamery got sick of people trying every flavor, or maybe they just understand the vast depths of human curiosity, which is why they offer a flight of all 16 ice cream flavors. No more waffling over whether to get a scoop of brisket or bastani, because here, you can have it all. - Chelsea Thomas

At Sparkle’s in the Third Ward, the frozen daiquiris do the talking. Both the blue raspberry flavored Northside and the fruit punch flavored Southside are popsicle-sweet, but we’re making the call: the tartness of the Northside makes for a better daiquiri. The Northside wins this round. - Gianni Greene

Take yourself to the heights of Houston luxury, conveniently located on the sixth floor roof deck of the downtown Marriott Marquis. Revel in the freedom of splaying across an inner tube just to mosey around a Texas-shaped lazy river with a frozen daiquiri in hand, all for 75 bucks. - Chelsea Thomas

As expected, Yordan Álvarez just made another baseball his b*tch and put a tally in the W column. Skip the Astros post-game traffic, and instead pull up to Moon Tower Inn for ridiculous burgers, wild game tubesteaks (hot dogs), Houston’s best potato salad, and a giant tap wall of beer to celebrate Yordan’s glory. - Chelsea Thomas

When someone naively insists that the heat outside “isn’t too bad,” suggest meeting at Axelrad Beer Garden in Midtown. The swinging hammocks shield you from the sun like a cocoon, the covered seating areas actually feel shady, and you can always count on the indoor bar’s super cold AC to greet you when you need another icy drink. - Gianni Greene

Overheated, starving, dehydrated, lacking in chlorophyll? You’re either a neglected houseplant, or someone who needs a giant bowl of chilled and spicy chlorella noodles at Myung Dong Kyoja. The Korean hand-pulled noodles, mixed with cucumbers, kimchi, and spicy sauce keep you cool, full, and efficiently photosynthesizing - Chelsea Thomas

Come on Wednesday nights with your dollar bills ready to fly out of your hands for drag kings who have mastered the art of the well-timed body roll. It’s steamy, it’s sexy, it’s the type of drag show you'll only get at Pearl Bar. - Gianni Greene

The frozen chile mangonada at Monkey’s Tail is bringing sexy back. It comes in two sizes, but go for the large because you’ll want as much of the sweet and spicy drink as your body can handle. And by the time you reach the bottom, you’ll be feeling yourself too much to care who catches you licking all of the chamoy off the rim. - Gianni Grenne

Remember what being chilly feels like at this sort-of-healthy restaurant that might require a sweater in the middle of the summer. The AC is all but blowing ice cubes into the dining room and the food is light and refreshing. And when you've practically melted into a puddle and nothing sounds good except for light healthy food, a solo breakfast featuring a chia bowl with macadamia-hemp crumble is the right move. - Gianni Greene

When it’s too hot to even think about cooked food, but you can’t eat yet another bowl of lifeless mixed greens, go to Thien An for a giant platter of goi vit. First, the Vietnamese duck salad is cold. Second, it’s drenched in tangy fish sauce and ginger. Third, it’s basically an entire shredded cabbage mixed with herbs and shredded vegetables. Long live crunchy salads. - Chelsea Thomas

Hair ties, combs, the latest YSL fragrance, a pack of gum, a mini deodorant swipe. When you’ve just met the next love-of-your-life on the dance floor, the bathroom at Kamp has everything you need for a quick refresh. So you can get back out there, feel your best, and woo your new boo. - Gianni Greene

Yeah, the line at Triple J’s Smokehouse is long, but the wait is part of the fun. Part barbecue joint, and part house party, everyone at J’s seems to be shimmying in their chairs and bobbing back and forth to a little Adina Howard while digging into spicy boudin and mounds of pork ribs. - Chelsea Thomas

If you’re going to “work” from home today, why not do it at a brewery instead? There are plenty of seating options inside and out, and wifi strong enough to keep your Zoom meeting from buffering. Which means you can get your inbox to zero and spend an afternoon with the best coworkers: a giant burger, a pint of pale ale, and a soft pretzel. - Gianni Greene

Turkey Leg Hut sits at the important Houston intersection of smoked meats and two-step worthy music. Hang around long enough on the covered patio with a mammoth turkey leg stuffed with dirty rice, and you’ll see a couple of dancing aunties and probably have the opportunity to rap “Mo City Don,” bar for bar. - Gianni Greene

Protect yourself from the relentless sun inside of Ostia’s dreamy greenhouse-styled dining room. Snack on Gulf Coast-inspired Italian food, like grilled redfish with sofrito, and enjoy the summer, without actually enduring summer. - Chelsea Thomas

Milkshakes and burgers go together like heat and humidity. Especially when the flavors are as Houston as they come, like the mango lassi and Vietnamese iced coffee milkshakes at Burger Bodega. Grab a couple crispy smash burgers, induce a mid-afternoon brainfreeze, and do what everyone else is doing after eating this much food in the summer: take a nap. - Chelsea Thomas

At Chapman & Kirby, everyone is in their flyest fit. And the spacious patio has plenty of room for an impromptu catwalk. So grab a drink from the bar, catch your best selfie angles, and maybe fish for a few compliments, if time permits. - Gianni Greene

When you’ve left it all out on the tube and have nothing but sunburn to remember it by, head to Houston This Is It! Soul Food, revive yourself with the sweetest lemonade in all of the Third Ward, and grab an overflowing container of oxtails and gravy for reinforcements. - Gianni Greene

Daiquiri Time Out on Galveston Island has got the goods for island time: a lengthy cocktail menu, a food truck with tacos and tostones, wallpaper with flamingos, plush booths, and a glittery pink toilet seat. You know, the essentials. Throw on a ridiculous tropical shirt and knock back a few seasonal cocktails and either stay indoors, or roast like a human lobster on the beach. - Chelsea Thomas

You can dance all night long at South Beach without suffering heat exhaustion, mostly because this club doesn’t care if you show up as scantily clad as possible. Also, because of the glorious instantly cooling AC system that should be listed as one of the great wonders of the world. - Chelsea Thomas

You’ve got to fuel up before going hard at 713 Music Hall. Right next to the venue in the Post Market food is ChopnBlok, one of our top-rated restaurants in the whole city where bowls fly out of the kitchen packed with coconut curry, jollof rice that’s smoked overnight, and caramelized kelewele. You’ll be in and out and shimmying your way towards the barricade in no time. - Gianni Greene

Sometimes you just need a place to anchor your dingy and shove a lobster roll and juicy crab cakes into your mouth at the same time. You can do that at Pier 6 in San Leon, all with panoramic views of Galveston Bay from either inside the restaurant or on the patio chair swings. - Chelsea Thomas

Soaking up all the culture (and air conditioning) that the Museum District has to offer can build up an appetite. So afterwards, walk over to Mo’ Better Brews, a vegan spot that does brunch daily. And a strawberry cheesecake waffle, a drink named after Gladys Knight, and some sizzling potato hash are almost as fancy as the Picasso you saw hanging in the MFAH. - Gianni Greene