CHIReview
Federales
Have you ever been stuck between deciding whether to eat tacos or get all up in da club with your crew? Well, have we got the place for you. At Federales, you can do both. It’s basically spring break in restaurant form, complete with ill-advised tequila shots. Will you spend too much money? Yes, because you'll lose track of how many margarita pitchers you ordered. Are you proud that you went? No, but it will be a damn good time.
Federales is loud and crowded with the type of people who like to get tables and bottle service, or at least wish they could get tables and bottle service. But Federales knows exactly what it is, and makes it work. The space is big and fun with a large outdoor patio. It’s great for big groups, but the process of getting a table can be a pain. That’s because there is no process. You’ll have to hunt for people getting ready to leave and pounce like a vulture to snag their table. So yes, it’s a sh*tshow, but a fun one.
photo credit: Facebook/Federales
Unless you're a backwards hat enthusiast (defined as never having put a hat on frontwards), say "brahhh" on the “reg”, or have a strict anti-sleeves policy May through September, you’ll probably want to treat this place as a novelty rather than a destination. By that we mean come here anti-sober with a group of friends, order a round of tequila shots that come in shot glasses made of ice, and throw them at the bell they have set up outside for just that. And if you’re hungry, grab some tacos to soak up the booze.
Quick note on the ice shot glass throwing: IT’S FUN. It’s also a Weekend Update story waiting to happen once someone gets hit in the head with one of these things. We know because we almost knocked a girl out - she never saw it coming. Turns out, iced projectiles and heavy alcohol consumption go together a lot like you and Federales: it's not the most civilized idea (you'll have a pounding headache in the morning), but it's a lot of fun.
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Food Rundown
Guacamole
Have you had guacamole before? Of course you have, you are a well-traveled millennial who is open to other cultures. This guacamole is a lot like other guacamoles you’ve had. It’s totally fine.
Elote
Corn on the cob covered in a mustardy sauce and cheese. It's a lot, it’s messy, and it’s a fantastic drunk photo opportunity.
Queso Fundido
Gotta hand it to Federales, it takes a lot to make a bowl of melty cheese a total non-factor on the menu. Skip this, it literally has no taste. We’re not sure how they do it but we’re kind of impressed in that sarcastic way your parents told you they were “impressed” that you could so royally screw your college career so quickly when you came back with that 2.1 GPA after your first semester.
Pork Belly Al Pastor
Our favorite taco. Not quite sure if this is actually pork belly, but whatever, you just had a pitcher of margaritas so who really cares if it tastes pretty good. All tacos come four to a plate with rice and beans, so your gameplan should be to order as a group and share.
Brisket Nachos
These are good! You should get these if you like chips, meat, or cheese. Better yet, if you like all three of these together.
Horchata
Look, we need to have a talk, Federales menu writer. What you are serving is not spiked horchata. It’s a fcking cinnamon milkshake. A terrible cinnamon milkshake with some booze in it. Give us a heads up next time before we order it.
