Jean's

Jean’s is one disco ball away from being a full-on clubstaurant, and usually, that would mean expensive food that is mediocre at best. But the priciest thing on the menu at this two-story Noho restaurant is a $44 French dip with aged ribeye, and they also happen to have their own produce farm in Pennsylvania. So yes, you’re mostly at Jean’s to mingle with people wearing gowns and drinking champagne, but you won’t wake up the next morning regretting having spent your entire rent on spicy tuna crispy rice.

Jean’s is sexy, mysterious, and a little bit annoying—they call their vestibule “the gallery,” there’s a stunt dessert in the form of a giant chocolate chip cookie, and for awhile you had to request a reservation via email. But it’s the only place we know where you can start a big, frivolous New York night out with homegrown vegetables upstairs, and end it with one nightcap too many in a blood-red club down below. 

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

Entering through the gallery, you’ll walk through a bistro area with a few tables that look into the kitchen. There’s a golden bar room where the champagne drinkers hang out, and finally, behind floor-length, red velvet zebra-print curtains, there’s a palatial dining room. Big mirrors line the walls, and a small, functional fireplace crackles in the back. 

By 8:30 on weekends, this room fills up with people in sunglasses. That woman in the booth next to yours might be famous, but you’ll never know for sure. For every person in head-to-toe leather, there’s someone else with 129k followers in an expensive sweatshirt, sipping an espresso martini, and letting a juicy burger drip down their sleeves.

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

That burger is rich—something you’ll want to eat on your birthday, or after you’ve finally cleaned your room and paid that bill. But the whole menu is celebration-worthy: mini lobster rolls with shots of warm lobster bisque, a sculptural caesar salad (with that farm-fresh produce), a luxuriously saucy grilled half-chicken, and the occasional off-menu seafood tower. A manager in a suit might stop by and say something like “welcome to our family,” and it will either feel awkward or perfect, depending on how many chili oil martinis you’ve had so far. 

The martini-drinking continues downstairs in the cocktail lounge, a club-like area which is "open occasionally" (usually on weekends). You might catch an amateur East Village-based DJ (or Snoop Dogg, who once played a set in an earlier, even more exclusive iteration of Jean’s.)

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

If Tao opened in Dimes Square, and attracted the same people who frequent Fanelli’s, it might feel a little like this place. It’s a level of over-the-top that, initially, made us want to move to Vermont and live life more simply. But then, there’s something about dunking a cookie the size of your head into a glass of bourbon milk, while listening to two people who walked in separately deciding to leave together. The simple life is good and all, but at Jean's, the messy life is just more fun.

Food Rundown

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

Tuna Carpaccio

Is it an ode to the iconic tuna and foie gras dish at Le Bernadin? If so, it’s a cheeky take. Instead of foie, you’ll find kohlrabi in a velvety, sesame dressing hidden under the thin layer of buttery tuna. Don’t think too hard about it and just order one. Le Bern ode or not, it’s really good.

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

Lobster Rolls

Three miniature lobster rolls, three shot glasses full of warm lobster bisque. We’re not sure this exists anywhere else. Was it a necessary invention? Probably not. Does it matter? Not at all. Pop a roll. Take a shot of soup. Live lavishly.

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

Caesar Salad

We gasped a little when we first saw this half-foot tower of greens. It sits on a bed of perfectly toasted bread, and there are both anchovies and boquerones involved. You’re at Jean’s. You’re doing it big. Of course the caesar salad has two types of tiny fish.

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

Thai Chicken Salad

This would be your go-to if you lived in the suburbs and were a loyal member of the country club. But the combo of tender pulled chicken, crispy onions, and a lemongrassy curry dressing is still enjoyable, so who really cares if you're eating a country club salad at a sceney restaurant.

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

Bistro Burger

This big night out burger is somewhere between a smashburger and a thicker one. You can actually get your mouth around it, and it drips incessantly, in that gluttonous, beefy way. It’s got a creamy “fondue” cheese, fried onions, and absolutely nothing green—just how we like it. And yes, you might not feel exactly ready to let loose under a disco ball afterwards, but that’s exactly what’s going to happen.

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

Wood Grilled Half Farm Chicken

An almost clubstaurant serving something so simple as a grilled chicken? It doesn’t quite seem special occasion-worthy—until the plate lands on your table, with half a bird in a teriyaki-like sauce, covered in french fries. For a moment, things get quiet. Then chicken-fuelled gossip ensues.

Chitarra Pesto

This pesto is so vibrantly green it’ll catch your eye from across the dining room, and make you feel like you won’t survive without ordering it. The sauce leans thick, and even slightly gloopy, so if you don’t order it, you’re not really missing out. But if you do, it’ll taste like the best thing you’ve ever eaten once you’re five drinks down and craving carbs.

Roasted Thin & Crispy Potatoes

If you order the burger or the chicken and experience the fry-related joy that accompanies those choices, you really don’t need these almost chip-like potatoes. Then again, a plate of potatoes with a pile of aioli could never be bad.

photo credit: Alex Staniloff

Chocolate Chip Cookie

Chocolate chip cookie’s publicist deserves a raise. This supersized variety puts an afterschool snack back on the map as a legitimate and exciting restaurant dessert. And the glass of bourbon milk that comes alongside is just strong enough.