Why do we put cream in coffee? Or dressing on salad? Or crushed Oreos and a gallon of whipped cream on The Griddle’s pancakes?

Because when something otherwise tastes like total garbage, just douse it with as much sugar as you can and all will be OK. Right? Wrong.

The Griddle claims to be one of LA’s “iconic” establishments and yet we’re not entirely sure who is saying that other than the back management. Sure, you can drive by this hole-in-the-wall breakfast joint any day of the week and find a two-hour line of people being tricked into waiting for something they’ve been told is authentic, but pay no matter. None of these people are actually from LA and The Griddle preys on them mercilessly.

Now let us be clear: we’re ALL about the indulgences in life. But what the f*ck part of caramel, butterscotch, candied walnuts, whipped cream, powdered sugar, and butter over a birthday cake-sized stack of pancakes actually sounds good to you? Have we not graduated from this type of eating? Even your buddies from college don’t care anymore, bro. NEWSFLASH TO THE GRIDDLE: It’s not 2007, Adam Richman is no longer embarrassing himself on national TV, and people want real things.

Oh and don’t worry, The Griddle is also in the business of sneaky “private” back rooms for an occasional celebrity drop-in. Maybe you’ll see someone from Glee!! Cool story. We’d rather go somewhere with a front-of-house that actually treats its waiting patrons (and fellow employees) with an ounce of fairness and respect than catch a glimpse of Lea Michele shooting icicles from her palms to anyone who makes eye contact with her.

You are a sham Griddle. Your candied breakfast shtick has worked for way too long, and we’re done. We’re better eaters now. We’ve grown up and you’re still cooking like we’re deprived adolescents left alone in a gumball factory. What a shame.

No sugar-coating this one.

Food Rundown

Yellow Brick Road

We’ve eaten this many times. And at one point, it tasted good and we marinated in the rush of walking out of a restaurant with three pounds worth of doggy bags. But now we respect ourselves.

Mom’s French Toast

OK, OK OK, OK, OK. This is actually still really good. Is it three-weeks worth of sugar intake? Yes. But it’s still good because it’s simple and made really well. Congrats Griddle.

Hear Me Roar

No Katy Perry, we won’t. This beast of caloric nothingness is flat-out foul and if you’re over 22 years old and still eating sht like this, you need more confidence.

Creme De La Creme French Toast

If you’ve ever been curious, this is what a plate of vomit and Yogurtland looks like.

Oversized Slice Of Ham

What in God’s name did you just put in front us? Is this a lung?

“Red Velvet” panCAKE

Fck off.

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