HOUGuide
The Houston Clubstaurant Power Rankings
photo credit: Quit Nguyen
In many cities, going to a clubstaurant feels like a punishment from the universe disguised as a friend’s birthday dinner. It means sacrificing a good meal for a good time. But in Houston, it’s different. While there are still sparklers and people dancing on tables, It’s perfectly normal to be at any of these spots and have a boudin ball so good you’d come back to eat it at 3pm the next day. We’ve assembled the best clubstaurants and ranked them based on the essential criteria—food, neon sign count, and hookah flavor options. Here is our very official ranking of the best places in Houston to eat sea bass while sequined dancers pas de bourrée at your table.
THE SPOTS
Mamajuana Cafe lets you control how fun your night will get. Quietly appreciating good music is totally acceptable, as is hitting a bachata step and letting out an involuntary “woo.” The New York transplant is now Downtown serving Latin food that’s exciting even without flaming sparklers. It’s full of couples toasting their drinks or smoking hookah, and on the main floor, long tables are reserved for crews celebrating birthdays and bachelor parties. You can keep it calm and let the most over-the-top part of your night be the stuffed cassava topped with thin strips of churrasco steak, or dance the night away to the high-energy reggaeton mixes.
No one at Se7en will ask you, "What's in the box?" Despite a seven deadly sins theme and name mimicking the 1995 thriller, Se7en is shockingly normal. The Upper Kirby spot serves the best food of all Houston’s clubstaurants, like chimichurri steak kabobs or prime rib smothered in au poivre. It ain’t bad. With its elevator-only entry, Se7en functions more like a loungestaurant. Apart from the hookah-laden outdoor patio and loud and bass-thumping music (see: clubstaurant must-haves) Se7en is just a regular restaurant.
We go to Kamp for two reasons: to stuff our faces with spicy boudin balls filled with pepper jack cheese, and to dance while dodging bartenders flipping flaming bottles of Don Julio 1942. Think of this Galleria Cajun-Creole clubstaurant as an adult summer camp, if that summer camp includes apple pie flavored shots, seafood boils on a sprawling patio, and a plate of oxtails that you eat through a cloud of mango hookah smoke. Kamp is the place to head to when it’s your birthday (or when you want to pretend it’s your birthday) or to stop in for a brunch that includes a DJ and giant mimosas made with five bottles of champagne.
If someone created an ’80s nightclub with the theme “Poseidon’s Paradise”, it would look like Ciel. Mirrors on the ceiling, rays of blue and pink light filling up the room, and a giant statue of Poseidon in the center of the space tie the theme together. This French River Oaks restaurant is where you get your ravioli with a 75-minute deep house DJ set, or on the weekends where, if you’re lucky, a “Ciel Angel” will do a fan kick over your head.
Watching a late-night party form after a basketball game finishes on the TV can only exist at Prospect Park. This Galleria restaurant is full of folks with their eyes glued to flat-screens, but once the 4th quarter is over, the clouds of fruity hookah smoke intensify, and the DJ turns up the volume by 40%. Prospect Park also has some incredible wings dusted in a jerk seasoning and daily specials from weekly $15 steak nights to $5 boudin balls filled with dirty rice.
From a bubbly pink dining room with a fake cherry blossom tree, to what looks like a practice space for graffiti artists, this Galleria restaurant feels like one giant randomizer button. Unlike any other clubstaurant in Houston, Nameless is BYOB. And while this is a bit unorthodox for a clubstaurant, it doesn’t stop people from dancing in any free space available in the dining room. The menu is far less chaotic, with a mix of Cajun-Creole finger foods and double-patty cheeseburgers that require some preliminary jaw stretching. And after a few drinks, a room with bright pink umbrellas hanging from the ceiling makes a lot more sense.
