Where To Go When You’re Hungover And Want To Die

There are hangovers, and then there are hangovers, those times when you wake up to discover that you may or may not have thrown up in your succulent planter. This is a guide for the latter. Because when you finally recover enough to move without sprinting to the nearest bathroom, you’re going to have to eat. And while we can’t do anything about the regret soaking inside of you, or how to treat contaminated potting soil, we can tell you where to go when you’re looking to recover. You’ll find rejuvenating foods like pancakes, giant deli sandwiches approximately the size of Mount Rainier, bowls of broth, and more.

The Spots

Something that’s melty, cheesy, and meaty all in the same bite probably sounds good to you right now. And a huge deli sandwich from Market House Meats is exactly what you need to satisfy this craving. Order the reuben or the aptly-named-for-this-moment CPR - which is really just a hoagie roll with pastrami, roast beef, and melted swiss. Plus, the SLU spot never gets too busy, you won’t spend a ton of money, and you get a free cookie with your sandwich.

Dino’s has everything we need when a hangover has our foreheads feeling like a TI-83 Plus getting button-mashed during a pre-calc exam: pizza, garlic knots, darkness, and a lack of other humans when you decide to emerge for your first meal of the day at 4pm. Any crispy Sicilian pie will do the trick, but you really want the Mr. Pink - a thick, square-shaped savior topped with vodka sauce, ricotta, and basil (since you should probably eat a vegetable).

Bounty Kitchen is the place for a relaxing morning-after brunch that’s customizable to fix any hangover. If you need a stack of pancakes, the griddle cakes with cinnamon butter will be perfect. If you need a detoxifying grain bowl, choose from their options ranging from Asian braised beef, bok choy, and rice to chickpea, sweet potato, and couscous. If you need to sip a green ginger wellness shot slowly until the room stops spinning, you can do that here too.

Being hungover is kind of like having a stomach bug - except you only have yourself to blame this time. But in both situations, pho helps. Pho Bac Sup Shop is one of our favorite places for some light Vietnamese noodle soup, especially the slow-poached chicken version. There’s even a photo booth, should you want to eternalize your experience in a keepsake memory. Pho Bac also works if you need to hang your face over a bowl of hot broth and whisper “what have I done?”

Mammoth is a beer bar, but you’re not here for that right now. You’re here for subs the size of your head. They make sandwiches on really good baguettes, and have a ton of options, like a housemade smoked turkey club with cheddar and ranch, a riff on a Cubano, and a beastly fried chicken thigh with swiss and roasted red peppers. They travel well too so you can grab it to-go and resume your position on the couch or floor if you want.

Two things that should be able to spring you out of your bed during this trying time: mac and cheese and fried stuff. Wood Shop has both in one convenient package - their creamy smoked jalapeno mac and cheese that’s molded into balls, breaded, fried, and served with spicy mayo. These little bites are so amazing that they should be given the award for Best Hangover Food Of The Year. Plus, the quiet, heated patio in the back is the perfect place to eat in peace.

It’s the day after a Wednesday night Streetlight Manifesto concert. Your physical body is at work, but your brain is still trapped in the mosh pit. If you can scrape yourself out of your desk chair, grab lunch at Pane Pane, a glorious deli that’s only open from Monday to Friday. Their delicious sandwiches are big, and come with combinations like salami and pepperoni with pesto aioli (our favorite cold one) and teriyaki meatball banh mi with sriracha mayo (our favorite hot one).

Instead of going on a disaster of a jog, have something spicy and sweat this thing out at Sisters And Brothers. It’s an Interbay spot that serves Nashville-style hot chicken you can get with some fries or smoked gouda mac and cheese on the side. If anything, the spice will distract you from the fact that it feels like the World Table Tennis Championship is happening in your head right now.

Croque Madame sandwiches have all of the hangover food groups represented: bread, cheese, meat, eggs, butter, and bechamel. Cafe Presse makes one of the best in town, not to mention some incredible french fries to soak up all of those tequila sodas from the night before. Plus, this French spot is open until 1am, so it also works for that late-evening headache/sorrow you get after day drinking.

When it feels like your stomach is base jumping off the Burj Khalifa, eating something light isn’t a bad idea. The soups at Kamonegi are the food equivalent of someone rubbing your back and telling you everything’s going to be OK, whether you dip your buckwheat noodles in a salty mushroom broth or a not-too-creamy lobster bisque. And if you start to feel better halfway through your meal, have some shrimp tempura.

Unlike Philly, we don’t have access to an unlimited supply of cheesesteaks. But we do have Tat’s, a Philly-style deli where you can get what you need after last night’s Old Fashioned followed by prosecco followed by five whiskey gingers followed by a bag of Bugles on your bathroom floor. They serve buffalo chicken fingers, subs filled with everything from chicken parm to housemade pastrami, packages of Tastykakes, and, of course, cheesesteaks.

If you don’t have the capacity to decide between a burger or something deep-fried, let Katsu Burger make that decision for you. They have deep-fried burgers - crispy beef patties topped with cabbage, cheese, fried eggs, and sauces like tonkatsu or nori ranch - that are so monstrous and heavy that they should only be eaten if you’re having a really bad day or the worst hangover of your life.

Diners are always a safe bet when you’re dehydrated and sad. And North Star’s our favorite spot for pancakes or an eggs benedict hybrid involving corned beef hash or sausage and American cheese. Nothing’s too greasy, the sparkly booths are very soft, and even if you can only eat slices of lettuce you’ve pulled out of a club sandwich right now, they serve breakfast and lunch 24 hours a day.

If the act of twisting your car keys into ignition is as physically demanding as a 45-minute spin class, you probably don’t want to eat at an actual restaurant. Drive over to this Thai food truck in the Shell gas station parking lot on Lake City Way instead. The stir-fries and creamy curries with fluffy rice are exactly what you need right now. Plus, you only have to talk to one person to order, won’t get judged for wearing pajamas and mismatched athletic sneakers, and you can stock up on Gatorade in the Shell convenience store while you wait for your food.

Fat’s will cure any case of feeling like the human embodiment of a dumpster fire. It’s a lowkey spot in the Central District that serves crispy chicken on top of thin waffles, as well as other Southern things like mac and cheese and poutine with andouille gravy. And if you need some hair of the dog, their butter has Hennessy in it.

Burritos were practically invented for hangovers. And you can find one of the best in the city at Chilolos, a calm little taqueria in Georgetown. Get some of their delicious carnitas stuffed in a grilled flour tortilla and make sure to add extra cheese and guacamole.

Sometimes you just can’t bring yourself to eat anything at all during a hangover, and the only thing you can stomach is some pistachios. Or maybe a peanut or two. If the rest of this guide is completely useless to you, go to Pike Place Nuts so you won’t starve.