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Tony’s Pizza Napoletana

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Since we got in a spot of trouble for favorably comparing a pizza place to the Cheesecake Factory, might as well go all the way.

Our entire time at Tony’s, we couldn’t shake the Disneyworld vibe.

Everything seems perfect at the start. 900 degree wood-fired margherita pizza as the feature item? “World Cup Pizza Winner Naples, Italy?” I’m in. Heart of North Beach, with appropriately faux-Italian design? Why not, sounds like kitschy fun. Let’s go for a ride.

But slowly the artifice started to fall apart. Wait, there’s not only Neapolitan pizza, but, and I have to break out the colon for this: California style (900 degree), Coal fired (1000 degree), New York 22” (525 degree Rotoflex gas), Classic American (550 degree gas), Detroit Style (550 degree gas), Pizza Romana (700 degree electric), Sicilian Style (550 degree gas), Classic Italian (650 degree gas OR 700 degree electric), St. Louis Style (550 degree gas). What is this, Pizza Epcot? How is it even possible to cook pizza at so many temperatures in one restaurant? Seriously, I don’t even care about the food anymore, I just want to understand the physics here.

We stuck with the Neapolitan, because, as we all know, Neapolitan is the best pizza and there’s no argument whatsoever to be had there. Cf. the name of this restaurant. (Although it should perhaps be Tony’s Pizza Napoletana + NINE other kinds. NINE.)

So how was it? Fine, I guess? We had one of the super duper global champion margherita pizzas and it would win maybe the 7th place ribbon in SF, which is yellow-colored if I remember elementary-school swim meets correctly. The other pizzas were similarly decent. Much like Disneyworld, Tony’s wasn’t authentic or particularly excellent, but somewhat fun in the end. And there were children running everywhere.

Food Rundown

Caesar Salad

It’s a Caesar Salad. What do you want from me?

Margherita Limit 73 Per Day World Cup Pizza Winner Naples, Italy

Why 73 a day, Tony? Why?

Spacca Napoli

Another decent tomato-mozzarella Neapolitan pie. The crust didn’t quite have that perfect doughy chewiness, but it was an okay facsimile. I’m going to take this as an opportunity to reflect on some of the other pizzas on the menu, which we didn’t order. For example, the “Hang Ten,” with Korean BBQ short ribs, ten jang, scallions, mozzarella, house pickled peppers & carrots. Seriously, Tony, what the f*ck? Are you kidding me? Or how about “Sausage and Stout,” with honey malted guinness beer dough, mozzarella & beer sausage, caramelized onions, fontina cheese, scallions, crushed red peppers, beer salt and sweet guinness reduction. This is a crime against the word pizza. It sounds like an St. Patrick’s Day 420 treat. Avoid Tony’s if you have a scrap of dignity.

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