MIAGuide
Where To Break Up With Someone, If You Really Can’t Do It At Your Apartment
photo credit: CLEVELAND JENNINGS / @EATTHECANVASLLC
So you’ve decided to end your relationship. And…you want to do it in public? Really? You sure? Well, we’re starting to understand why this relationship is coming to an end. Regardless, we’ve compiled a list of break up spots—a combination of bars and restaurants where all or some of the following is true:
Alcohol is available.
The crowd is neither too big nor too small.
You can ideally pay beforehand.
There are clearly marked exits and nearby parking.
Good luck, and please don’t make a habit out of this.
THE SPOTS
On weekends at Pueblito Viejo, two sinister men with misleading smiles stroll through the dining room and sing improvised insults to every table. They look you dead in the eyes and belt observations about your physical appearance that would get most folks punched in the face. These men have no fear, and we kind of have a feeling that if you slipped them $50 they would do the breaking up for you—in iambic pentameter with a perfect touch of vibrato. But even if not, there are enough distractions (and aguardiente) happening in the hallucinogenic dining room that everyone will be too distracted to notice your partner flinging arepas at your head like Oddjob.
photo credit: Courtesy Julia & Henry's
Julia & Henry’s isn’t our favorite food hall, but it is so big that you can quite easily hide from your partner if need be. The Downtown food hall has more nooks and crannies than an English muffin. So order a birria-stuffed machete from Tacotomia, ask your insignificant other to pick it up, tap them on the shoulder, and then say, “Tag you’re it.” While they’re climbing back up to the third floor trying not to spill consomme, hide behind the giant tower of wine bottles and play a game of hide-and-seek that ends with you ghosting them forever. Just be careful, some parts of the floor are see-through.
photo credit: World Red Eye
If reverse psychology is your thing, invite your partner to Papi Steak. Because sending a text that says, “Hey babe wanna go to Papi Steak this weekend and get the beefcase?” is a great way to get someone to break up with you. Your hands remain clean. The only downside is that the inevitably leaked chisme will lead your mutual friends to believe that you are actually the kind of person who would spend $1,000 for the steak equivalent of bottle service.
photo credit: CLEVELAND JENNINGS / @EATTHECANVASLLC
Soft serve makes everything better. And not only is Charlie’s ranked number one on our soft serve power rankings, it’s also got a drive-thru. But breaking up while confined in a moving vehicle seems stressful. So sever things on the benches behind the shop and then grab some soft serve to ease the pain. They even have two separate ventanitas, so you don’t have to stand awkwardly in line together after the debacle. Plus, the folks who work here are so nice. They know how to cure everything from brain freezes to broken hearts.
photo credit: Courtesy Mac's
Oh, the things the bartenders at Mac’s have witnessed over the years. If you’re nice and tip well, they’ll tell you some of them. But our point is: They’ve seen worse than a break up. So the South Beach dive bar is a good bet if you’re slightly concerned about a scene erupting when you say the magic words, “I don’t think this is working.” Or maybe you’ll just become another one of those stories the bartenders will tell for years to come. Tip well regardless.
People have lots of memories associated with South Miami’s Fox’s Lounge, a classic dive bar that (unlike your relationship) was brought back to life. Why not make some new memories here that involve never seeing each other ever again? In fact, it’s so dark inside, you might stop seeing each other from the moment you walk in—which is convenient foreshadowing. The classic cocktails here are great—the martini even comes with a cold side car you can wallow in post-split. And the thumb bits pair really well with the salty tears running down your face. Luckily, Fox’s is so dark, we doubt anyone will see you crying.
photo credit: Tasty Planet
The collective Miami internet has an obsession with Flanigan’s. So there’s a chance you’ll be featured on r/Miami or some local meme page if you do the deed over rib rolls and tumbleweed onions. But maybe you’re trying to become the local internet villain of the week, in which case you’re doing your significant other a favor by breaking up with them. Luckily for you, there’s a Big Daddy’s next door since that flantini you ordered (deservedly) ended up on your face. If things truly do get out of hand, you can always run to the security guard on duty in the parking lot. The Coconut Grove location has one (maybe this happens at Flanigan’s more than we realize). We hope that internet clout was worth it.
photo credit: Cleveland Jennings
Union Beer Store is divey—but not too divey, with great beer and bar food. But the real selling point of breaking up here is their backyard. It’s a wonderful space to chill out with a beer, but a lot of people don’t actually know it’s there. Chances are you’ll have it all to yourself, and only be interrupted periodically by a nervous employee coming out to collect your empty glasses who can practically smell the tension in the air. If you choose to sit inside, you can also pretend to be distracted by the vintage WWE matches on the TV when your partner inevitably asks the very reasonable question, “What the hell is wrong with you?”
At Dogma, an outdoor hot dog stand in MiMo, you can pay for your food in advance, usually find a free parking spot (with quick access to Biscayne), and the staff is sequestered inside a small kitchen—so they probably won’t see what’s happening. Also, if you’re like us, you can eat a hot dog in roughly three minutes. That means you won’t have to awkwardly linger in order to finish a bowl of ramen or something.
If you didn’t get to watch enough sunsets during your relationship and hold a firm grudge because of it, a sunset breakup at Monty’s is just the poetic sendoff you need. Order a pain remover first–this aptly named drink will provide you with the courage to publicly defame your baby-turned-bad-blood nemesis. If things get out of hand, their outdoor seating makes it easy to run straight to the dock. There, you’ll hopefully meet someone who owns a boat and sail away.
photo credit: Cleveland Jennings
There are a few pros to breaking up with someone at Off Site. You get to pay for everything in advance to ensure a smooth and speedy exit. There is beer. There is also outdoor seating if you’re worried about eavesdropping. The one big con is that whoever you’re breaking up with will never be able to eat Off Site’s glorious fried chicken sandwich again without picturing your dumb, dumb face.
If we had to genuinely guess which place on this guide has actually seen the most relationships end, our money is on The Corner. Don’t get us wrong, we love The Corner. But it is undeniably a sloppy late-night spot where many people say things that can't be unsaid. So, if you two just got into a screaming match in Space, and this relationship simply won’t make it to sunrise, swing by The Corner for a farewell old fashioned. Everyone here is probably too drunk to care about your drama anyway.
photo credit: Cleveland Jennings
Maybe your relationship used to resemble an al pastor taco, full with flavorful pork, pineapple, onions, and a spicy red chili sauce. But all of the romance and good stuff fell out of the tortilla—and now you’re left holding a broken, empty taco love shell. Then Tacos El Porky is the right place for you to taco-bout (so sorry) ending things. You pay upfront, and the metro is nearby in case a pair of slashed tires require you to find other means of transportation. If you’re just not able to come up with the right words, dab a little chili sauce near your eye and let the spicy tears do the talking.
Gramp’s has lots of little secluded corners—especially in the backyard. There’s also pizza you can order by the slice, which is quite good, and will provide something to nibble on during those moments of awkward silence. There’s always a chance you could run into someone you know here, but go during the week while the sun is out (they open at noon) and that probably won’t happen. At least you’ll have a good excuse to wear a hat and sunglasses too.
Mike’s is an Irish sports bar sort of hidden on the roof of an old apartment building near Downtown. It is dark inside, and the music is usually playing loud enough that you won’t have to worry about other people hearing your conversation. It’s also pretty safe to assume you won’t run into anyone you know here, especially if you go on a random Wednesday. It checks most of our break up boxes, although we do have to warn you, if you choose to end things here, you risk taking the most awkward elevator ride in the history of the universe to get back to your car. Consider learning to base jump beforehand.
