MIAGuide
Where To Break Up With Someone, If You Really Can’t Do It At Your Apartment
Uh, you’re really going to do this in public? Are you sure?
So you’ve decided to end your relationship. And…you want to do it in public? Really? You sure? Well, we’re starting to understand why this relationship is coming to an end. Regardless, we’ve compiled a list of break up spots—a combination of bars and restaurants where all or some of the following is true:
Alcohol is available.
The crowd is neither too big nor too small.
You can ideally pay beforehand.
There are clearly marked exits and nearby parking.
Good luck, and please don’t make a habit out of this.
THE SPOTS
Oh, the things the bartenders at Mac’s have witnessed over the years. If you’re nice and tip well, they’ll tell you some of them. But our point is: They’ve seen worse than a break up. So the South Beach dive bar is a good bet if you’re slightly concerned about a scene erupting when you say the magic words, “I don’t think this is working.” Or maybe you’ll just become another one of those stories the bartenders will tell for years to come. Tip well regardless.
People have lots of memories associated with South Miami’s Fox’s Lounge, a classic dive bar that (unlike your relationship) was recently brought back to life. Why not make some new memories here that involve never seeing each other ever again? In fact, it’s so dark inside, you might stop seeing each other from the moment you walk in—which is convenient foreshadowing. The classic cocktails here are great—the martini even comes with a cold side car you can wallow in post-split. And the thumb bits come with au jus for dipping, which pairs really well with the salty tears running down your face. Luckily, Fox’s is so dark, we doubt anyone will see you crying.
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Don’t actually break up inside True Loaf. It’s a crowded takeout-only spot and you’ll make everyone in there very uncomfortable and possibly end up on Only In Dade. Do this instead: grab a few pastries to go, and walk a couple blocks over to Maurice Gibb Memorial Park, named in honor of the late Bee Gees member who (how fitting) helped perform one of the world’s greatest breakup songs, “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart.” There, like a civilized adult, you can articulate your complicated feelings with a lovely waterfront view and the best almond croissant in town. (This is actually the most mature option in this guide, FYI.)
Union Beer Store is divey—but not too divey, with great beer and bar food. But the real selling point of breaking up here is their backyard. It’s a wonderful space to chill out with a beer, but a lot of people don’t actually know it’s there. Chances are you’ll have it all to yourself, and only be interrupted periodically by a nervous employee coming out to collect your empty glasses who can practically smell the tension in the air. If you choose to sit inside, you can also pretend to be distracted by the vintage WWE matches on the TV when your partner inevitably asks the very reasonable question, “What the f*ck is wrong with you?”
At Dogma, an outdoor hot dog stand in MiMo, you can pay for your food in advance, usually find a free parking spot (with quick access to Biscayne), and the staff is sequestered inside a small kitchen—so they probably won’t see what’s happening. Also, if you’re like us, you can eat a hot dog in roughly three minutes. That means you won’t have to awkwardly linger in order to finish a bowl of ramen or something.
There are a few pros to breaking up with someone at Off Site. You get to pay for everything in advance to ensure a smooth and speedy exit. There is beer. There is also outdoor seating if you’re worried about eavesdropping. The one big con is that whoever you’re breaking up with will never be able to eat Off Site’s glorious fried chicken sandwich again without picturing your dumb, dumb face.
If we had to genuinely guess which place on this guide has actually seen the most relationships end, our money is on The Corner. Don’t get us wrong, we love The Corner. But it is undeniably a sloppy late-night spot where many people say things that can't be unsaid. So, if you two just got into a screaming match in Space, and this relationship simply won’t make it to the sunrise, swing by The Corner for a farewell Old Fashioned. Everyone here is probably too drunk to care about your drama anyway.
Maybe your relationship used to resemble an al pastor taco, full with flavorful pork, pineapple, onions, and a spicy red chili sauce. But all of the romance and good stuff fell out of the tortilla—and now you’re left holding a broken, empty taco love shell. Then Tacos El Porky is the right place for you to taco-bout (so sorry) ending things. You pay upfront, and the metro is nearby in case a pair of slashed tires require you to find other means of transportation. If you’re just not able to come up with the right words, dab a little chili sauce near your eye and let the spicy tears do all the talking.
Gramp’s has lots of little secluded corners—especially in the backyard. There’s also pizza you can order by the slice, which is quite good, and will provide something to nibble on during those moments of awkward silence. There’s always a chance you could run into someone here, but go during the week while the sun is out (they open at noon) and that probably won’t happen. At least you’ll have a good excuse to wear a hat and sunglasses too.
If your current partner is emotionally suffocating you, try breaking up al-fresco at Casa Florida. The bright pink tables and decor really lighten up the somber mood. You can also break things off inside a decommissioned bus (the last stop here being your relationship) while eating a lobster roll and drinking a "pornstar tiny" (a cocktail made with vodka and passion fruit liqueur whose name hopefully has nothing to do with why you’re breaking up). If you’re looking to end things with a particularly passionate person, know that Casa Florida has plenty of space for you to find a corner or picnic table far from anyone you might know.
Mike’s is an Irish sports bar sort of hidden on the roof of an old apartment building near Downtown. It is dark inside, and the music is usually playing loud enough that you won’t have to worry about other people hearing your conversation. It’s also pretty safe to assume you won’t run into anyone you know here, especially if you go on a random Wednesday. It checks most of our break up boxes, although we do have to warn you, if you choose to end things here, you risk taking the most awkward elevator ride in the history of the universe to get back to your car. Consider learning to base jump beforehand.
