It’s happened to all of us. Life is good, everything’s on track, and suddenly, it all crumbles. Maybe someone isn’t feeling it, or feeling someone else, or perhaps you make each other complete psychopaths and you simply need to get as far away from one another as possible.
Love is such a beautiful thing.
It’s also terrifying, confusing, and excruciatingly painful. But that’s where we come in. For every all-night screaming match you’ve had over dirty dishes, there are five mimosas ready to go for you somewhere else. For every time you just want to give up, there’s a beautiful plate of smoking hot BBQ ready to cure your soul. Here’s where you need to be when everything falls apart.
Everybody knew it was a red flag when he gave you keys to his place on the second date, but you were blinded by young love. Two months and one very bad pelvic tattoo of your name later, it’s officially over. Time to go ponder why you didn’t see the early warning signs at Roma Market in Pasadena. The family-run Italian market has a bunch of rare imported cheeses and pastas, but you’re here for the $5.50 sandwich sitting on the back counter. With only provolone and some cured meat (capicola, mortadella, and salami), it’s an objectively simple sandwich, but one that tastes incredible - especially while sprawled on the hood of your car in the parking lot.
She gave you six months to lock down a steady job, and you just couldn’t make it happen. At least you got a solo win in Fortnite, right? Time to take your self-pity to Mofongos. A meal at this family-run Puerto Rican restaurant in North Hollywood is by no means light, but when the food tastes this good, you don’t care. Our recommendation is to start with the appetizer platter that comes with beef-filled potato balls and yucca fritters, and then end with the carne guisada mofongo. It’s a mountain of deep-fried green plantains topped with a savory beef stew that’ll make your questionable work ethic seem like a distant memory. Then take a long break - you earned it.
Birdie G’s is a fairly new addition to Santa Monica, but if your boyfriend just left you because you said no to tiny living, you won’t find a better spot for upscale comfort food on the Westside. With everything from matzo ball soup to Italian sausage ravioli to Sloppy Joes on Texas toast, the menu certainly covers a lot of ground, but that should be music to your ears, considering you passed up living in 400 square feet with another full-grown adult.
You created a fake Grindr profile because you suspected he was cheating (he wasn’t), and now you just got caught cheating with someone on Grindr. Go take your toxic trust-issues to Ham Ji Park. The lively BBQ spot in Koreatown is different from other grill-your-own outposts in the area, because the two things you’ll find on every table are prepared in the kitchen: The pork ribs and the pork-neck stew. That might seem like a lot of pork for one sitting, but you’ll need it as you calculate in your head how much therapy is going to cost for the next ten years.
It wasn’t over text or even a long-winded email. Two years of dating and she ended it on a Post-it note she slapped inside your gym bag. Time to take your bruised ego and bubbling rage to Thien An in Westminster. The classic Little Saigon restaurant has a menu full of excellent Vietnamese dishes, but you’re here for the Bo 7 Mon: A seven-course dinner featuring beef served seven different ways. It’s one of our favorite meals in the neighborhood, and exactly what you need to get back on your feet and buy a new gym bag... since that last one got ripped in half.
You just discovered he’s been gradually siphoning money from your savings account for the past two years so he could complete his Star Wars Funko collection. Get yourself to Freedman’s as quickly as possible. The menu at this modern Jewish comfort food spot is fantastic across the board, but considering your situation, you should probably just get a Reuben. OK, maybe two Reubens. And then throw in a few of their excellent martinis because your rage needs it. On the way out, buy a guava cheesecake to publicly throw in his face.
It was supposed to be a beautiful night celebrating your anniversary on the Santa Monica Pier. Next thing you know, she’s calling the whole thing off while riding the ferris wheel because she’s in love with her therapist and they’re going to Ojai next weekend. Go sink that trauma into a giant plate of mac n’ Cheetos at The Attic. The mostly outdoor brunch spot in Long Beach doesn’t have the greatest food in town, but sometimes all you need is Cheeto-dusted macaroni and a Bloody Mary with chunks of tri-tip to get you through a rough patch.
Back Home In Lahaina is a Hawaiian comfort food spot in Carson, which should be music to your ears after he refused to kiss you on the Dodgers Kiss Cam. Complete with string lights, street signs, and giant paintings of humpback whales splashing in the ocean, the interior feels like a restaurant inside of an aquarium. But don’t let that deter you - all the Hawaiian staples here are good. And let’s face it, a solo day at the aquarium is still within the realm of possibility.
This is what you get for setting up your two best friends. They eventually break up, despise one another, and then make you take sides. Skip all that and go into hiding at Boston Lobster. Located deep in the San Gabriel Valley, all the food at this Chinese restaurant is good, but you’re really here for one thing - the house special lobster. This giant dish comes with about a hundred pounds of noodles, green onions, and garlic on top of a metric ton of lobster. It’s massive, fantastic, and the perfect distraction while you screen calls from friends.
She told you not to get “Saturdays Are For The Boys” permanently decaled on your front windshield, but you did it anyway, and now you’re sleeping on Travis’s couch in East Hollywood. Go take your hypermasculinity issues out on a giant prime rib at Lawry’s. The original location of the national chain feels like you’re on a cruise ship, but with way better food and a waitress that’s probably named Mrs. Collinsworth. You and Travis will love her.
Perhaps surprising him at work four times last week was a touch too clingy. Live and learn - and go eat an entire deep dish pizza by yourself. LA actually has excellent Chicago-style deep dish, but when it’s just you tonight, make the move to Hollywood Pies. The glorified pick-up window along Pico has fantastic pizzas across the board and efficient service to get you in, out, and back in your car eating a meat lover’s pie under a highway overpass.
You just wasted five months of your life with a man who spent more time with ESPN than with you. Time to treat yourself right. Koreatown has no shortage of spas, but the undisputed king is Wi Spa. This five-story metropolis is an LA institution and the kind of place where 40 minutes becomes four hours in the blink of an eye. Sign up for private acupuncture or roll around in hot clay with strangers in matching uniforms. It’s a weird world at Wi Spa, and one your soul needs badly.
She just wasn’t that into you, dude. And by that, we mean she was just a little bit more into that triathlon guy she hooked up with at a Zac Brown Band concert last summer. Oh well, it was only four months out of your life. You’ll get back on the horse soon enough, and there isn’t a better stable in town than the one at Q’s. Grab a couple of your nearest bro-buds, turn your hat backwards, and use your trivia skills to impress a recent UCLA grad who is just dying to tell you about her on-camera acting class today.
He was a complete asshole and you deserve to be 25 and single anyway. Grab the girls and go get rowdy at one of the wildest nights out in LA - Saddle Ranch. You’ll eat the best 3,000-calorie BBQ Chicken Chop Salad in town, make out with a guy from Arizona, and ride that mechanical bull like your life depends on it. Because tonight, it just might.
So you got drunk off a couple of Bud Light Limes and asked if she would consider an open relationship. Her stuff was out by the morning, and now you’re starving. The good news is Hot N’ Juicy Crawfish opens at noon, and you’ve got a hankering to slurp the insides of the best crustacean being served on the ground floor of a Target in the city. Pick a seasoning, a spice level, and enjoy your seafood bag of sadness with all the other guys that got dumped in LA this morning.
Code Red: Some questionable late-night fast food and one bad dream later, you’re waking up to a horrific accident between the sheets, and now nothing will ever be the same. Love is a journey. And while Katie was probably never going to be your wife, you need a serious pick-me-up after that. And nothing says road to recovery like eating with your bare hands and cheering to pre-determined stage combat in Anaheim.
You were watching The Great British Bake Off in bed last night and off-handedly, he mentions that he’s gay. Gut check. You’re obviously happy for him, but also pretty humiliated and frustrated because he owns all the best furniture in the apartment. Time for mimosas. Simmzy’s in Manhattan Beach is full of the bubbly stuff and also guys looking for girls who drink them. You didn’t realize swaying back and forth in line for the bathroom would reel in three separate phone numbers, but it does here.
Let freedom ring. Your incessant mind games finally took their toll and last night Eric bounced. You’ll realize in two weeks you’re an idiot, arguably a sociopath, and that he was perfect for you. But for now, you’ve got nothing to do and an unexpired Segway Groupon you bought two years ago. So grab those orange Crocs, leave your inhibitions at home, and let God’s transportation drive you back to crazy town.
This one hurts. You gave three years of your life to that girl, and boom - it just wasn’t in the cards. And after a long night of “It’s not you, it’s me,” you’re trying to decide what to do with that Spago anniversary reservation. Just go by yourself. Order for two, get what Elizabeth probably would’ve picked, and gaze at the tattered picture of her you’ve been stashing in your wallet all these years.