It’s happened to all of us. Life is good, everything’s on track, and suddenly, it all crumbles. Maybe someone isn’t feeling it, or feeling someone else, or perhaps you make each other complete psychopaths and you simply need to get as far away from one another as possible.
Love is such a beautiful thing.
It’s also terrifying, confusing, and excruciatingly painful. But that’s where we come in. For every all-night scream match you’ve had over dirty dishes, there are five mimosas ready to go for you somewhere else. For every time you just want to give up, there’s a beautiful plate of smoking hot BBQ ready to cure your soul. Here’s where you need to be when everything falls apart.
You just discovered he’s been gradually siphoning money from your savings account for the past two years so he could complete his Star Wars Funkos collection. Get yourself to Freedman’s as quickly as possible. The menu at this modern Jewish comfort food spot is fantastic across the board, but considering your situation, you should probably just get a reuben. OK, maybe two reubens. And then throw in a few of their excellent martinis because your rage needs it. On the way out, buy a guava cheesecake to publicly throw in his face.
It was supposed to be a beautiful night celebrating your anniversary on the Santa Monica Pier. Next thing you know, she’s calling the whole thing off while riding the ferris wheel because she’s in love with her therapist and they’re going to Ojai next weekend. Go sink that trauma into a giant plate of mac n’ cheetos at The Attic. The mostly outdoor brunch spot in Long Beach doesn’t have the greatest food in town, but sometimes all you need is Cheeto-dusted macaroni and a bloody mary with chunks of tri-tip to get you through a rough patch.
Back Home In Lahaina is a Hawaiian comfort food spot in Carson, which should be music to your ears after he refused to kiss you on the Dodgers Kiss Cam. Complete with string lights, street signs, and giant paintings of humpback whales splashing in the ocean, the cheesy interior feels like a restaurant inside of an aquarium. But don’t let that deter you - all the Hawaiian staples here are good. And let’s face it, a solo day at the aquarium is still within the realm of possibility.
This is what you get for setting up your two best friends. They eventually break up, despise one another, and then make you take sides. Skip all that and go into hiding at Boston Lobster. Located deep in the San Gabriel Valley, all the food at this Chinese restaurant is good, but you’re really here for one thing - the house special lobster. This giant dish comes with about a hundred pounds of noodles, green onions, garlic, and tons of lobster. It’s massive and fantastic and the perfect distraction while you screen calls from friends.
She told you not to get “Saturday’s Are For The Boys” permanently decaled on your front door, but you did it anyway, and now you’re sleeping on Travis’s couch in East Hollywood again. Go take your hypermasculinity issues out on a giant prime rib at Lawry’s. The original location of the national restaurant chain feels like you’re on a cruise ship, but with way better food and a waitress that’s probably named Mrs. Collinsworth. You and Travis will love her.
Perhaps surprising him four times last week at work was a touch too clingy. Live and learn and go eat an entire deep dish pizza by yourself. LA actually has excellent Chicago-style deep dish. When it’s just you tonight, make moves to Hollywood Pies. The glorified pick-up window along Pico has fantastic pizzas across the board and efficient service to get you in, out, and back in your car eating a meat lover’s pie under a highway overpass.
You just spent your entire tax return on two roundtrip tickets to Tokyo this summer, and suddenly, in comes an “It’s Over” email. These are dark times and dark times call for some serious ribs. Hop in your beat up Honda Civic and haul ass out to Panorama City. Located in what is best described as deep into the Valley, Dr. Hogly Wogly’s isn’t the easiest place to find, but this nearly 50-year-old BBQ staple is worth it. Three ribs for about $15 might seem a little steep, but once you see the ribs are about the size of your forearms, you won’t complain.
You just wasted five months of your life with a man who spent more time with ESPN sportscasters than with you. Time to treat yourself right. Koreatown has no shortage of spas, but the undisputed king is Wi Spa. This five-story metropolis is an LA institution and the kind of place where 40 minutes becomes four hours in the blink of an eye. Sign up for private acupuncture or roll around in hot clay with strangers in matching uniforms. It’s a weird world at Wi Spa, and one your soul needs badly.
She just wasn’t that into you, dude. And by that we mean, she was just a little bit more into that triathlon guy she hooked up with at a Zac Brown Band concert last summer. Oh well, it was only four months out of your life. You’ll get back on the horse soon enough, and there isn’t a better stable in town than the one at Q’s Brentwood. Grab a couple of your nearest bro-buds, turn your hat backwards, and use your trivia skills to impress a recent UCLA grad who is just dying to tell you about her on-camera acting class today.
He was a complete asshole and you deserve to be 25 and single anyway. Grab the girls and go get rowdy at one of the wildest nights out in LA - Saddle Ranch. You’ll eat the best 3,000 calorie BBQ Chicken Chop Salad in town, make out with a guy from Arizona with a Warped Tour tattoo, and ride that mechanical bull like your life depends on it. Because tonight, maybe it just does.
Well, that didn’t end well. You told her you needed someone who can keep up and she promptly posted $2,000 worth of your niche porn site subscription receipts on your mom’s Facebook. Touché, Meredith. But hey, at least it appears you make a lot of money. So put on a suit and head to Petit Trois because you’re probably a horrible person and at a restaurant with three square feet of functional space, no one will question why you’re dining alone.
Be honest with yourself. You weren’t ready for a serious relationship and he was leaving print-outs of Tarzana real estate listings on your windshield. Sometimes you’re just on separate paths. And while his path was straight to the dog rescue, you’re grabbing the crew and getting your ass to Tokyo Delves. The weight has been lifted, and the only way to celebrate is with restaurant-wide sake bombs and teaming up with your server for a Rihanna lip-sync battle.
So you got drunk off a couple of Bud Light Limes and asked if she would consider an open relationship. Her stuff was out by the morning, and now you’re starving. The good news is Hot N’ Juicy Crawfish opens at 11:30am and you’ve got a hankering to slurp the insides of the best crustacean being served on the ground floor of a Target in the city. Pick a seasoning, a spice level, and enjoy your seafood bag of sadness with all the other guys that got dumped in LA that morning.
Code Red: Some questionable late-night fast food and one bad dream later, you’re waking up to a horrific accident between the sheets, and now nothing will ever be the same. Love is a journey. And while Katie was probably never going to be your wife, you need a serious pick-me-up after that. And nothing says road to recovery like eating with your bare hands and cheering to pre-determined stage combat in Anaheim.
You were watching The Great British Bake Off in bed last night and off-handedly, he mentions that he’s gay. Gut check. You’re obviously happy for him, but also pretty humiliated and frustrated because he owns all the best furniture in the apartment. Time for mimosas. Simmzy’s in Manhattan Beach is full of the bubbly stuff and also guys looking for girls who drink them. You didn’t realize swaying back and forth in line for the bathroom would reel in three separate phone numbers, but it does here.
Let freedom ring. Your incessant mind games finally took their toll and last night Eric bounced. You’ll realize in two weeks you’re an idiot, arguably a sociopath, and that he was perfect for you. But for now, you’ve got nothing to do and an unexpired Segway Groupon you bought two years ago. So grab those orange crocs, leave your inhibitions at home, and let god’s transportation drive you back to crazy town.
This one hurts. You gave three years of your life to that girl, and boom - it just wasn’t in the cards. And after a long night of “it’s not you, it’s me,” you’re trying to decide what to do with that Spago anniversary reservation. Just go by yourself. Order for two, get what Elizabeth probably would’ve picked, and gaze at the tattered picture of her you’ve been stashing in your purse all these years.