Oh, Los Angeles. The land of ocean-filled sunsets, UFOs that are (definitely not) rocket tests, and actors. Lots and lots of actors. Even people who aren’t actually actors are still actors because most likely their friends are actors and need them to be acting in their self-produced stuff. Got that? But even the best actors in this city will tell you, auditions are horrible. OF COURSE THEY ARE. Has there ever been anything natural about staring at a blank wall or a bored assistant and proving you’re right for something? No. Being good at auditioning and being good at acting are two completely separate skill sets and if you’re good at both, you’re probably Jennifer Lawrence. And when a bad audition happens, you need comfort quickly. A phone call home, a therapist – or food. We highly recommend the first two, but are here to help with the last. Here is where you need to be when things go south in the audition room.
Uh-oh. You accidentally put N. La Brea into your GPS instead of S. La Brea and ended up at a Hasidic Community Center and not a casting office. Easy mistake. You still made it there only about 25 minutes late, but unfortunately the damage was already done. Time for soup. And the sodium wizards over at Souplantation have your downtrodden-self covered. Why have a few great soup options when you can have 23 bad ones lined up in a row together? Not only are the tastes of each soup different, so are the temperatures! Scalding, room temperature or even ice cold if you arrive late enough. You want choices? You got Souplantation.
Oh, no girl. You rushed your lines? AGAIN?? Ugh, we talked about this too. Bad habits are hard to break sometimes but at least your audition was in Hollywood and there’s a street dog cart right outside. The bacon-wrapped hotdog on the far right might be a touch pink but who gives a sh*t? You’re still kicking yourself for making the same mistakes over and over again and cholesterol feels good. It’s also a perfect opportunity to remind yourself your parents are still financially covering you and that person is selling street dogs in Hollywood.
YOU SWORE YOUR PHONE WAS ON SILENT. Dude, we all know you forgot. And now the casting director gets the pleasure of watching you deuce your pants on tape as “What Do You Mean?” starts playing in the middle of your Hawaii Five-O read. The only cure at this point is a stop at Jollibee. This truly horrific Filipino fast-food joint serves up such soul-crushing renditions of Filipino classics: sweet spaghetti, little spam bites, and something referred to as a “bucket treat.” On top of one of the more unsettling mascots in the public realm, Jollibee is simply where bad decisions go to finger each other.
You’re not entirely sure, but you think the casting director said something inappropriate about your hips on the way out. Fck that. You gave a terrible read, but seriously, fck that. Go to Mel’s Diner immediately for milkshakes, salmonella omelettes, and a kitschy-retro vibe that will make your present pain disappear. And is there any better era to escape to than 1950’s California? Gangs wore all leather and sang in cafeterias, swimming in the ocean was still appealing, and blatant Hollywood sexism was still referred to only as “show business,” followed by a wink.
The good news now that your botched unpaid student film audition is over is that CAZT is a mere two blocks away from where constructive dreams come true: Shakey’s. Definitely named after its at-home side effects, Shakey’s is your one-stop-shop for pizza that the LA public schools can’t legally serve. PRO TIP: Cry hard enough over the phone to the manager and get your name on the marquee!
So you show up ready to nail this Goldbergs co-star spot AND REALIZE YOU’VE PRACTICED THE WRONG SIDES. F*ck. Time to brush up your cold-reading skills and consider why you ever signed with that boutique agency in Sun Valley in the first place. Take your frustrations out on the depression feast from hell that is the Stacked Grilled Cheese Burger Munchie Meal. Clocking in at a casual 1,760 calories and 107 grams of fat, this cholesterol rifle to your soul will dull the pain of never getting that safety degree in Marketing.
You’re in the middle of a gut-wrenching Alzheimer’s scene and you watch the casting director compose and post an entire Facebook status on her iPhone. You hate your life and your choices and Fat Sal’s is your only option. If you’re in the mood for not only a sandwich but also mozzarella sticks and chicken fingers and jalapeno poppers in that sandwich, Fat Sal’s is your stop. Honestly, you can’t really come to this place without the expectation of wheezing yourself to sleep that night, but as long as that’s on the table, you’ll get what you came for.
CODE RED: You ad-libbed something anti-Semitic at the end of your DraftKings commercial spot and now you’re blacklisted. Things are bad. Luckily there’s a 7-Eleven on the corner serving up the best three-day-old taquitos you should never have. You’re going to be tempted by the neon-red hot dogs spinning in your peripheral, but stay the course. These taquitos are a complete public health liability and will clean you out like a f*cking Groupon rent-a-maid. And you deserve it.
Game over. Your inability to take constructive criticism ended in you sucker-punching a 19-year-old intern in the throat and it’s time to leave. The city. Don’t even bother stopping at the apartment, just head right to the airport. And the good news is LAX has turned into an absolutely lovely food destination, with offerings from ink.sack, Loteria, and even Roy Choi! Plus if the audition is midweek, one-way flights generally aren’t too pricey. Send us a postcard from Wichita.