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Feature

Noritsu Koki / Flickr
July 30, 2021
The Eastsider’s Guide To Making It Through A Day At The Beach
Not everyone loves the beach. Here are 16 tips to get you through a day in the sand.
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Your friends have planned a beach day, how thrilling. Except one thing - you live in a retrofitted former fallout shelter in Frogtown and everything about the beach mortifies you to your core. There’s unlimited sun exposure, palpable happiness, and direct contact with earth’s pubic region - sand. Not all is lost, though. Here are 16 useful tips for successfully surviving a day on the coast as a beach-fearing human.

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  • Saran Wrap your entire body, ensuring minimal exposure to literally everything.

  • Start a June Gloom podcast in July.

  • Denim, denim, and more denim.

  • Wear a St. Vincent wig and stare blankly at school children.

  • Scream “Courage Bagels in the parking lot!” in hopes of thinning out the crowds a bit.

  • Lock yourself in the trunk of your roommate’s Corolla and imagine you’re at The Echoplex.

  • Pretend your friend’s store-bought fruit tray is actually its own self-functioning farmers’ market.

  • Passive aggressively question how many sharks are within striking distance at all times.

  • Use your bowler hat as a flotation device.

  • Only refer to your roommate’s frisbee as the “aura disk.”

  • Diagnose the seagull who keeps stealing your snacks with anxiety

  • Get out of beach volleyball by spinning in circles and pretending you’re the old Happy Foot/Sad Foot sign.

  • Demand your friends Venmo you $5 for teaching them how to make seaweed crowns.

  • Inconspicuously rearrange beach towels to spell out S.O.S. for the Coast Guard.

  • GoFundMe your own water burial.

  • Die, ironically.

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