You can tell a lot about a person from their accessories. The shiny signet ring, the decrepit festival bands, or the free tote bag that says my life is a bit of a mess and I have lost eight debit cards in the past 12-months. We’re fans of all of the above, and yet, in our humble opinion there is one accessory that rises far above all the bling, bags, and bandanas this great nation has to offer. And that is, a pair of transparent disposable gloves gifted to you exclusively to eat a meal so messy and so gloriously satisfying that a bunch of TikTok cleaning influencers would have the Dettol-fuelled holiday of a lifetime mopping up your table in your wake. Lobster gloves, it’s called fashion baby, look it up.

You’ll find these indisputably chic and arguably, deeply sensual, gloves at Trap Kitchen on Balham’s Bedford Hill. A seafood-led spot that started life as a takeaway operation from a block of flats, this is the kind of place where a knife and fork is about as necessary as that Friends boxset you refuse to throw away, despite having Netflix. Yes, at Trap Kitchen you’re going to want to be using your hands. Pick up their heavily buttered corn and show it the respect it deserves, tear the tangy BBQ chicken thighs to pieces with your mitts, and refer to your dominant hand as ‘the crab claw’. After all, who needs a cutlery middle man when you’re getting down and dirty with the best affordable XXL lobster tails this city has to offer?

In the face of all this delicious messy fun, you might be concerned that picking what to eat here will be stressful, but Trap Kitchen is one step ahead with their straightforward menu that comes down to four different platters, ranging from the casual £15 chicken thigh and friends ½-slab deal to the get-gloved-up £40 bucket feast. The food arrives at your table Happy Meal style, loaded onto a glistening tinfoil-covered tray that has convinced us once and for all that there are many readings of Rihanna’s ‘shine bright like a diamond’. Outside of kitchen essentials that make us want to forego precious stones, Trap Kitchen’s front dining area is also a prime example of less is more. Red banquette seating, wipe-clean tiled floors, disposable menus, a round cocktail bar that specialises in super sweet rum slushies, and a narrow corridor that leads through to their broody, moody back dining room. It’s dimly-lit, it’s full of dark green velvet, and it’s home to perfect two-person booths that provide the privacy you deserve when you’re about to release your inner Cujo on an unsuspecting pile of fat juicy prawns.

Thanks to its casual group-hang area up front and dark pit of date night corn-gnawing sin out back, Trap Kitchen is a restaurant that will enter your weekly rotation of Places You Can’t Live Without. The best part? It’s affordable enough to warrant those regular visits when you find yourself sitting at home on a Wednesday night contemplating smearing lobster juice all over your table for ‘ambiance’. FYI that’s a tell-tale sign that a Trap Kitchen craving is brewing, as is Googling ‘RnB playlist for eating chunky prawns?’. Save yourself the bother, just book your table, and get back to Balham for exceptional seafood that’s dressed down in it’s casual best, disposable gloves included.