It's almost 2015, and that means it's time to settle on whatever resolution you plan on sticking to for about four days into the new year. More than likely, said resolution will involve better nutrition, exercise, or weight loss, and we're all for that. However, we're not big fans of the popular diets currently available to those seeking self-improvement. That's why we've got a few new ones for you to try on for size.
These new diet ideas (that we just invented) probably won't make you any skinnier or healthier, but they will make you a lot more fun to be around. And that's really all that matters.
As always, please consult a doctor before starting any new diet regimen. Just please don't tell him or her that we were the ones who suggested any of these.
The Dinosaur Diet
Inspired by the popular Paleo diet trend, The Dinosaur Diet is one in which you must chase a medium-sized live animal across an open field and kill it with only your mouth and tiny arms. Meals occur once every two weeks. The key to losing weight on this program is the combination of lean protein and cardio.
Based on how Italian cavemen used to eat. This one is pretty simple. You eat one pizza every day for twelve months and see where you end up. If you'd like to incorporate some physical activity, argue passionately with a stranger over an inconsequential topic of your choice, such as if Andrea Bocelli is a great Italian singer, or the greatest Italian singer.
The "Tell Me Everything" Diet
Popular in Los Angeles, this is the diet in which you don't actually eat any food, but you have your friends describe meals to you in meticulous detail. You will be nourished through osmosis without actually consuming any calories. Further weight loss will occur from the increased heart rate you'll experience any time you smell hot food. Make sure to stay hydrated, mostly for crying.
The best way to avoid dangerous pesticides on your fruits and vegetables? Don't eat any. Instead, the Ultra Organic diet encourages you to replace plant-based foods with more easily sourced, human-made items, like Skittles.
All Pie Diet
That's right. A diet in which all you do is eat pie. Sound too good to be true? It is. You'll probably die from it. But it'll be a glorious year of slowly suffocating your body with foods surrounded by a buttery crust.
No, not drinking liquified vegetables. We're talking about a steady intake of anabolic steroids. Just look how well it worked out for A-Rod and Kelly Ripa.
52 Weeks Of Cheese
For those of you who have pretty much given up, 52 Weeks Of Cheese is just the diet you've been looking for. There aren't really any rules, you just eat a block of cheese every single week, which you probably already do anyway. Success rates for this program are incredibly high.