Inspired by Stefon's triumphant return to Saturday Night Live this weekend, we decided to imagine what it might be like if we put him on payroll to review some restaurants.
Dare to dream.
"This place has everything. A bouncer with a black vest, a hamburger that costs $28, and that thing where no matter when you call, the only reservation you can get is at 5:30 p.m."
"Situated on the Lower, Lower East Side in the lobby of the city's fifth coolest hotel that's named after a street, Dirty French is New York's first ever French restaurant. The brainchild of three people who met as child actors on the set of Happy Days, this place will fulfill your wildest fantasy of eating expensive oysters with David Guetta."
"Fifty steps below the street, in the heart of Little Soholita, sits New York's oldest Mexican restaurant. Here you will find a large selection of tequilas and vaguely recognizable celebrities, as well as the headquarters of the city's prolific illegal jalapeño trade."
"The creation of former American Idol contestant William Hung, Catch is New York's hottest club with dumplings. Located in the roughest part of the Meatpacking District, prepare to be dazzled by the fact that this place has an elevator."
"Barchetta is the newest Chelsea hangout from one of Mario Batali's proteges, known only to the world as "Italian Fish Jesus." You probably don't need a reservation, but buy one anyway, because this place has everything: pork chops, sharks, pasta, and that thing where you put olive oil on sushi and then convince people it's an Italian tradition."
"Anchored to a Tribeca pier, Grand Banks is a maritime restaurant brought to you by the Christopher Columbus Group, who also discovered Brooklyn. This ancient ship floats in the Hudson River and serves raw seafood to some of New York's coolest crowds, like bankers in suits, bankers in shorts, and that group of eight girls pretending not to be seasick."