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The Eastsider’s Guide To Making It Through A Day At The Beach

PHOTO: Noritsu Koki / Flickr

Your friends have planned a beach day, how thrilling. Except one thing - you live in a retrofitted former fallout shelter in Frogtown and everything about the beach mortifies you to your core. There’s unlimited sun exposure, palpable happiness, and direct contact with Earth’s pubic region - sand. Not all is lost though. Here are 11 useful tips for successfully surviving a day on the coast as a beach-fearing human.

  • Saran wrap your entire body, ensuring minimal exposure to sand.

  • Denim, denim, and more denim.

  • Hide Sqirl pastries in your overalls for afternoon nourishment.

  • Pretend your friend’s store-bought fruit tray is actually its own self-functioning farmers market.

  • Passive aggressively question how many sharks are within striking distance at all times.

  • Only refer to your roommate’s frisbee as the “aura disk.”

  • Schedule a personal Vinyasa flow every hour to get out of beach volleyball.

  • Charge your friends $5 for teaching them how to make seaweed crowns.

  • Repurpose your sand castle as affordable housing for underprivileged marine life.

  • Inconspicuously place beach towels to spell out S.O.S. for the Coast Guard.

  • Die, ironically.

Check out the rest of our 2017 Summer Guide here.

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