Do you feel that people? A most magical time is once again upon us. The air is crisp, your football team sucks, and every girl with zero distinctive qualities has a smile on her face. IT’S PUMPKIN SEASON. To say the processed chemical of a once-proud member of the squash family has taken hold of everything uninteresting in American culture is an understatement. It’s grabbed it by the balls and thrown it into a scalding hot latte of who gives a f*ck. This season you can buy everything from pumpkin-spiced dog biscuits to dandruff shampoo because clearly your highlighted side-swipe and prancing chihuahua know the difference.
But maybe there’s something more to these few golden days of Fall? Perhaps, as a country, we can simply do better. I know I can. Let’s see if you can do your part. Here are the 17 suggestions of things you can eat this fall that aren’t pumpkin flavored.
- The Halloween Whopper that turns your sh*t green.
- Laced Altoids from your Uber driver.
- A piece of pizza your dog’s currently wearing as a hat.
- All-day breakfast at McDonald’s with your Landlord.
- A plate of spaghetti you failed to realize was actually your sweater.
- Triscuits you’ve made into a sword to impress your tax guy with.
- Too many Tums.
- Anne Coulter’s lizard skin.
- The mopped-up blood of your Tinder date.
- The 14 marbles Ariana Grande puts in her mouth before singing.
- Steve Sarkisian’s bar tab.
- That specific moment in a conversation when you realize the only thing left to talk about is El Nino.
- Your feelings, as seen through the eyes of your future pet.
- An unmarked external hard drive a bald eagle just left on your window sill.
- The kiss you’ll never know a ghost left on your neck last night.