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Pizzeria Portofino
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Terrible food and apathetic service make Pizzeria Portofino an objectively bad restaurant. But it’s a special kind of bad - the kind that comes after getting your hopes up, the same way Carrie’s were right before she was voted prom queen. This busy riverfront spot comes from the same team behind RPM Steak and Italian, two other popular places in River North that still manage to have excellent food and service. So it’s easy to believe Portofino will be similar. But it’s a trick.
In theory, Pizzeria Portofino is a very appealing place: it’s right on the river, plays the same kind of enjoyable low-key EDM as its predecessors, and has an airy yacht-like atmosphere that’s way nicer than the architectural tour boats going by. But the location means you have to book months in advance to get a table at a decent time, which creates expectations that are waiting to be ruined like a prom dress with a bucket of blood dumped on it.
It’s a let down in a few ways, starting with the variety of disappointing pastas, pizzas, and antipasti on the menu. We’re not sure how the meatball parmigiana manages to be unpleasantly dense-yet-mushy, but it is, and the too-sweet sauce it’s served with doesn’t help either. In fact, all the sauces are a problem here - the rigatoni all’Amatriciana is unbelievably salty and greasy, and the cacio e pepe has no discernable cheese and an overwhelming amount of pepper. The mains aren’t any better - the split garlic lobster is bland and tastes like lake water, and the rogue pieces of shell you’ll find make eating it more stressful than hanging out with Carrie’s mom.
But the food isn’t the only thing that makes this place feel like a 1976 horror movie where everything takes a terrible turn. You know something is wrong the second you arrive when the hosts stare at you blankly and seem confused about why you’re there - even with a reservation. You can also count on being ignored by a disinterested server, and that beautiful river location? Turns out that Portofino’s proximity to the bridge means that a sewer smell wafts by throughout your meal, reverse-Febreezing all over your table.
Carrie was an unlikely prom queen, and expecting a trendy, hyped-up restaurant in a tourist-filled neighborhood to be good seems equally far-fetched. But Pizzeria Portofino does a great job convincing you that this could be true and that you’ll have a fantastic time here. Trust us, you’re better off staying home that night.